Thursday, 31 December 2009

In with the old, out with the new...

...Wait, that ain't right?

I have just had a small mental realisation. 2009 has been quite a year. I don't normally go for the whole 'looking back at the year that was' - but when I thought about it, it really has been quite the year.

I suppose I should have known I was in for a rollarcoaster at the start. I made the decision to get high on NYE, not because I wanted too (call in peer pressue, I call it being a stupid fuckwit), which resulted in a massive panic attack and staying in my room all night feeling like the world was going to cave in on me. Welcome to 2009.

I lived in a house that began to fall apart at the seams. Now this isn't the place to discuss what happened, but it wasn't fun. My uni work suffered, my relationship suffered and looking back I never knew how unhappy I was. I became a bitch, I nagged, I shopped to make myself feel better. I lost control.

Just past the halfway point of the year I moved into a new student house, got a job over summer and was truly independent from home. It felt good. I started this blog, was invited to amazing events in London, meeting some incredible people along the way.

Then in September I started back at uni again. Final year. It was hard, not necessarily the workload but I had the third year blues, I couldn't, and still can't, wait for it to be over. University is great, but I need a new challenge now.

As we raced towards and entered winter I went through a break up, I left my partner after many years. It was horrific. It had to happen, and I do not regret the decision, but it doesn't change the fact that it was the lonliest and hardest times of my life, I was so upset I was physically sick. So lost and confused I was calling samaritans at all hours of the night and I didn't sleep for weeks. But then I started, day by day, to feel better. I had some awful family news, but it kind of put things in perspective. I was able to look at myself and say 'You know what Cat, you are ok.'

And now we reach the end of the year and I was 21. Originally I planned to celebrate with massive parties. But when it came to it, after everything that happened, I couldn't face that. So I just celebrated it with the people who I call friends, and you know what? It was amazing.

Christmas came, and went. My family came up, and we toasted my uncle, who passed away just before xmas after a cancer battle. Being at home, with my family and friends was wonderful (and still is - I'm not back in manchester just yet!) everyday I honestly believe I become stronger, learn a little more about me and feel happier.

So here we are at new years. I shall not be welcoming the year like I did last year. I am spending the evening my good friends, in the place I love. 2010 will have it's up's and downs. Every year does. But I know that whatever happens only I have the power to influence it. I didn't think I would be able to say this at the start of last year, but I am ok. It has taken a long time to get here, but t feels wonderful.

I don't have any new years resolutions as such. Well apart from that old trying to fit into my 'skinny' pair of jeans....

But I do know I am going to have to make some major decisions his year, I graduate, and whilst I know where I want to be in 5 years time, I don't know how I'm going to get there. This year will really be the final year of education, the start of the rest of my adult life. So I guess I've got to make the most of it.

If you read this far well done, you can be safe ion the knowledge that I am cringing at the fact of putting this all down for the world to see.

Happy NYE and all the best for 2010



Emma (girlwiththearabstrap) said...

I love this. Love your honesty. Glad to hear things are better now. I should take a leaf out of your book and realise that we have the power to change our lives. Great post. :) xo

MissDollyGal said...

Oh Cat. I'm in near tears after reading that. Look forward to the new year and have a better one! Remember, you always have your beauty gals to cheer you up.

Lil said...

This is really sweet, and very well put. I loved reading it. I look forward to getting to know you better in 2010! X

Cat said...

i loved this, and have no more to say than that.x

Tara said...

What a lovely honest post, wishing you all the best!!

Rebecca said...

Great post :) and as cliche as it sounds what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and you learn from your experiences, both good and bad!

I genuinely hope 2010 is a fantastic year for you!


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